Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.