me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
This kid is a star!
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now