* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
bout dat hot dog summer