It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
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Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Weighing up my bread heating options
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help