that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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Beware of the dog..
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Room with a view.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Sell your car
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.