Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
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Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Pass gas, not judgment.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”