Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
This was my dad’s browser history.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
That’s what I call a flat tire
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?