Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
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I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Day 2 of my diet
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.