kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
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Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing