police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.