I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
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My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Boy never ceases to amaze me
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie