I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
You Might Also Like
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.