alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
How is it still this week?
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.