Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.