Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
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I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!