They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
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It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
This story is comedy gold 😂
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Hey I worked for it too!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*