Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
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Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.