Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
You Might Also Like
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes