Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
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[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.