If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
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Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Bobby pin
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Found a free bandaid at the pool.