Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
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The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
thank god
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
What flavor cupcake are these
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?
WIFE: Two!
ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.