I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
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[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?