Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
You Might Also Like
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
I hope they boil the right one.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life