[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?