This can never not be funny 😭😭
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right