if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My flabber has been gasted.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox