interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
he looks great for his age
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.