Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
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I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Cats are still liquid.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday