Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
My five year plan is a meteorite
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.