Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
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[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.