Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
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[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
They’re called werewolves.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
All. The. Damn. Time.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.