Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.