*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
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I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.