Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Children of the corn 🌽
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.