*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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Trains are just sideway elevators.
the council will decide your fate
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.