Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
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Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
The pen is writier than the sword.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
This trial is so absurd 😭
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.