If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
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[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”