one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
True freaking story!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’