*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car