That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
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“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”