Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
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My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
me when i see my girls butt
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Software Development ⛵️
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.