Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
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I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Catering service
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.