Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
how to have fun when you’re poor
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers