Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
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My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅