[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo