if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
man i love columbo
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.