I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”