Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
me refusing to leave twitter
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me