I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
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[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
never compromise your values
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me