*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
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Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM